


Say Something

by AngelOfTheImpala



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Death, Death of child, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Pregnant Kirk, Suicide, Violence, not for young eyes, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-24
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:28:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2010930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelOfTheImpala/pseuds/AngelOfTheImpala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock and Jim were preparing for the birth of their child--which would only be in one month--when the baby suddenly dies. It's hard on everyone when a baby dies, but it's always harder for the carrier, isn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Both Jim and Spock knew that the pregnancy may or may not last the whole nine months—the chances of miscarriages with male pregnancies are high. But neither of them chose to believe it would happen to them . . . until it did.

Jim woke up one day in his eighth month of the pregnancy, and he was sweating profusely. He thought it was nothing, and decided to go on a stroll around the house. Jim had been up for at least a good hour, and was watching TV when he noticed that the baby hadn’t moved—it seemed odd because the baby was always, always moving when the TV was on.

He was nervous that something had happened, and he went upstairs to go get Spock, who was busy doing paperwork. His husband told him that it was probably no big deal, but because his partner was so stressed he decided to call the family doctor anyways.

Leonard “Bones” McCoy stopped by about thirty minutes later, and ran a few tests, before he gave them the grim news. Jim was right—something had happened.

The baby was dead.

Bones gave Jim a hypo shortly after that would make him go into labor, and only a few hours later, he was pushing their little baby—they had decided to name him Sopek—into the world. 

Sopek was buried a few days later and only family attended—meaning their parents, Uhura, Bones, Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty.


	2. Chapter One

When Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy enters the residence of Captain James T. Kirk, and his First Officer Spock, all the lights were off. This was not unusual, considering the captain had grown increasingly depressed since the death of their baby, Sopek.

 

“Jim?” he calls, but knows full well that Jim will not respond—the man has decided to ignore everyone and anyone who tried to talk to him. He talked to Spock of course—but he didn’t have to speak. He simply told Spock through the bond what he wanted and the Vulcan would give it to him. Of course even though Spock was his translator, the Vulcan didn’t speak much himself. He seemed to have lost a need for talking as well.

 

Bones shakes his head, and climbs his way up the staircase towards the master bedroom. It’s not the first time he’s been in the house since that fateful day when he had to make Jim go into labor, and it doesn’t surprise him when he passes the room that was going to be Sopek’s, and he sees that the room has continued to go untouched.

 

He tries to keep himself from venturing in the room—because he’s never been in it before—as he makes his way to the place where Kirk most likely is. If he’s not here, then he’s most likely at the cemetery . . . the man had a habit of disappearing by himself without telling anyone.

 

He tries to open the door, but isn’t surprised to find it’s locked. Bones lets out a heavy sigh, before he taps a code into the keypad, and the door slides open with a loud hiss. The room is darker than the rest of the house, and that’s only because the blinds are drawn shut. “Computer, lights twenty-five percent,” he calls out into the darkness, and only when the room gets lit a little bit does he make out the dark lump underneath the sheets.

 

He walks over to the bed, and slowly peels back the covers to see Jim curled up on his side, staring at the wall. Jim doesn’t move when the covers fall to his feet, he doesn’t even seem to notice the light or Leonard. He does jump in surprise though when McCoy lays his hand on the man. Leonard is taken aback by the fact that Jim’s body is so cold, because he was covered by loads of blankets, and the heat in the house had to be a decent eighty-two degrees. “Hey, Jim, it’s just me,” he says, trying to calm the man down.

 

Jim leans back on the bed, and settles there, before he slowly cocks his head to the side, exposing his neck, ready for the hypo. Bones has to come over every day when Spock is gone to give Kirk a nutrient rich hypo since the man can’t keep anything down.

 

The doctor pulls it out of his bag, then he leans forward, and gently presses the tip against his neck, before injecting him with the concoction. Some color spreads over his face, and he doesn’t look as close to death as he did before. It saddens McCoy to have to see his friend like this. He wishes he had worked faster in creating a pill that would have risen the chances of a successful male pregnancy, because if he had little Sopek would be here.

 

But he hadn’t, and now he just has to live with the guilt.

 

“Hey, Jim,” Bones says, rubbing one of Jim’s shoulders. “How are ya feeling?” The blue eyed man only gives the doctor a look, before he rolls over onto his side, facing the wall once more. The lack of emotion hurts him more than anything, but he just knows he’ll have to deal with it. They sit there silently for a few moments, before he says, “Let’s get some light in here, shall we?” and he opens the blinds before the man can respond.

 

Jim’s face wrinkles when the light enters the room, and it causes him to grab Spock’s pillow, then cover his face with it. Bones falters slightly, before he removes the pillow from his friend’s face, and says, “Have you had a shower yet today?” He gags slightly, as the smell suddenly hits him. It seems he didn’t notice it before, but now he has, and the smell is just . . . ugh. “Seems not. C’mon, let’s get you in the tub.”

 

The doctor usually doesn’t do this—bath Jim. Spock normally does it before he heads to work, but on the days that the Vulcan doesn’t, McCoy decides to do something to lessen the man’s load and do it for him.

 

Jim doesn’t even fight it; he just eases out of the bed, and allows himself to lean on his best friend as they make their way to the bathroom. Bones has to strip Jim of his clothing, of course—the man could barely make it over to the bathroom.

 

After that’s finished, he fills the tub with lukewarm water, and once he thinks it’s about the right temperature Spock told him—the man has this giant list of what to and not to do when taking care of his husband—he helps the former Starfleet captain into the tub.

 

The wince that comes from the other when he’s lowered into the tub causes Bones to turn on the tap, and fill the water with some cold water. As the temperature goes down, the man’s body slowly relaxes, and he just turns his face to the side, before closing his eyes.

 

The doctor takes a deep breath, before he goes to start washing his friend’s body. He cleans his hair with shampoo before he even thinks about touching his body with soap. Spock once flipped out on him because he did it the opposite way, and even though McCoy didn’t—and still doesn’t—think it’s that big of a deal, he follows the Vulcan’s orders.

 

Jim doesn’t even wince when shampoo gets in his eyes, all he does it wait for Bones to wash it out. When the man was stronger—and when he didn’t need this much assistance in bathing—he would howl, scream when he got it in his eyes, which would then prompt his friend to tease him. But now . . . now there’s nothing, no reaction.

 

And according to Spock, there’s no _pain_ either. When Bones had inquired Jim’s husband about it, Spock simply replied, “He says he does not feel pain anymore. The pain of losing his child was more than he could ever handle.”

 

Leonard forces the thought out of his mind, as he washes the shampoo out of the _Enterprise_ _’s_ former captain.

 

~

 

Spock somehow managed to convince Jim to go to grief counseling. At first Jim said no, said it was the dumbest idea that the Vulcan had ever come up with. His words—even though they weren’t verbal—hurt his partner, so he quickly took them back, and agreed.

 

Everyone said it’d be good for them, getting out their thoughts and talking it through with someone. Of course, they then realized that Jim _couldn’t_ say his thoughts, and then pitched in the money for the parts that Scotty needed to make a machine for Kirk—one that would read his thoughts, and say them. It was a little hard to make, Scotty will admit, considering they didn’t want a robot talking for Jim.

 

But Scotty being Scotty, eventually made it so it would copy his voice, practically say the words as if the retired captain had said them himself.

 

Jim’s face had remain its usual blank self, but the tone in which the translator said, “Thank you,” was good enough for them all.

 

~

 

Before any of them knew it, it was Christmas. Jim had gotten a little bit better—the grief counseling helped a lot, but there was still a lot to be done—and now can do some things on his own. Although, Spock still watches him like a hawk.

 

Everyone was scared for what was going to happen at the holiday—if Jim would shut down once he remembered that about this time Sopek would be six months old, and probably start walking considering he’s half-Vulcan. But they were surprised when they arrived at their house that Jim was all smiles and acting like himself again even though he still couldn’t speak.

 

He was over joyed to meet Chekov and Sulu’s little girl, but they could all tell that he was remembering that Sopek would just be about a month older than her. Jim didn’t let it seep into the translator’s words, though, and they were all surprised by that.

 

Jim did leave early though to go to bed before they even opened up any presents.

 

~

 

“So,” the grief counselor asked as he looked at Jim, who stared right back. “This was your first Christmas after you lost your child, isn’t it?” He rubbed his hands together nervously considering this was his first meeting with the counselor without Spock. Usually the Vulcan did all the talking.

 

“Yes,” the translator spoke, “It was. Two of my friends brought their baby girl over—Sopek would be about a month older than her.” His stomach churned at the thought.

 

“How’d that make you feel that they had a baby and you didn’t?” the counselor asked, eyeing the translator.

 

Jim’s eyebrows furrowed together. “I don’t know what you mean by that,” the translator said. He fiddled with the hem of his—it’s really Spock’s—sweatshirt. It was over-sized and went to about the middle of his thighs but he didn’t mind going out in public like that anymore. Even if it did, it’s not like he goes into public that much anymore anyways.

 

“Did it make you jealous that they had a baby and you didn’t?” Rage filled the ex-captain at his words and he rushed to his feet, as he pointed a skinny finger at the counselor.

 

“How _dare_ you say that to me; that I’d be jealous that they had a baby and I didn’t?! You basically just said that I wished that it was their baby who died instead of Sopek!” the thought translator screamed his thoughts. “I wouldn’t wish that upon _anyone!_ Especially one of my own friends!”

 

The counselor raised a hand, and said calmly, “I was merely suggesting that you had wished Sopek had lived; I never meant to suggest that you wished harm upon your friends’ child.” Jim, even though his shoulders were trembling from anger, sat down, and tried to calm himself. The blond haired man rubs his index finger along his sweat pants as the counselor began to think of another question. “Do you ever blame your friend—the doctor—for what happened to Sopek?”

 

His head snapped up. “What? No, I don’t. Bones couldn’t have known that this was going to happen. I don’t blame him. That has to be the most absurd question you’ve ever asked me,” the sentence is said with barely controlled anger.

 

The counselor raised an eyebrow. “So you don’t blame Doctor McCoy for what happened to your baby?” He watched the other shake his head. “Then who _do_ you blame? Spock?” Jim snorted.

 

“No, I don’t blame Spock,” the translator said for him, “Spock had nothing to do with it. He was inside of _my_ stomach incase you’ve forgotten. It was my job to protect him, and . . . and I failed. I blame myself for Sopek’s death.”

 

“You do realize there was nothing you could do to prevent this, right?” he asked. Jim looked down and didn’t respond. The counselor waited a few minutes in case he was thinking, but when he never responded he sighed and checked the clock, before he looked back at Jim. “Well, this concludes today’s meeting. Would you like to schedule another meeting today or call back after looking at your schedule?”  


“I don’t believe we’ll be coming back, Doctor Marcus,” came Spock’s voice, and Carol Marcus’ brother tensed at the sound. He turned around to see cold dark brown eyes staring at him. Doctor Marcus glanced back at the _Enterprise_ _’s_ ex-captain to see him hiding a satisfied smile.

 

The couple left and never returned to Doctor Marcus’ office.

 

~

 

After that whole incident with Doctor Marcus, Spock would not let his partner to leave the house. This caused many fights between them and soon Jim was sick of talking to Spock, so he smashed the translator and slammed the door shut on the bond.

 

They didn’t speak to each other for two weeks, until Spock was almost assassinated by a Klingon spy when he was off-world dealing with some diplomatic issues. After that Jim always left the bond open and was constantly touching and prodding at the bond, trying to reassure himself that his husband was still there.

 

A week after Spock returned home and they forgave each other, Jim said his first words without using the translator or the bond.

 

“ _I love you_.”

 

~

 

Although Jim had spoken for the first time without the translator pretty well, he needed speech therapy because he hasn’t spoken in about a year. The doctor was one recommended by McCoy, and he always attended the appointments for moral support along with Spock. Jim was getting along very well with re-learning how to speak, and even out of the appointments he was constantly practicing how to say new words, or learning how to speak in the future or past tense.

 

He honestly felt a little silly talking to the others like a child. He could say basic sentences, like “I’m hungry,” or “Shut the door, please,” or something else he thinks makes him sound incredibly stupid. Of course the others took it all in stride, and when they found Jim struggling how to pronounce a word, they would often help him through it and then later act like that didn’t happen. They never made jokes about it either, thankfully for him. He didn’t know what he’d do if suddenly Chekov or Scotty or someone started mocking him.

 

He’d probably start crying, since his emotions have been all out of whack too. He once cried when he was talking to Pike because he couldn’t say the word _Enterprise_ without it sounding like _ena-wise._ Not to mention the time he got so pissed off he just kept calling Admiral Archer “ _A bitch, a bitch, a bitch, a bitch,”_ over and over for making fun of the way he talked. Then he burst into tears because he sounded like was saying, “ _A witch, a witch, a witch, a witch,_ ” and Admiral Archer asked, “Did he just call me a witch?”

 

Not to mention the time he floored a cadet for calling Spock a pointed ear freak.

 

People were starting to become less and less patient with Jim, and Jim knew that pretty soon people were going to finally just give up on him. They would stop talking to him in fear of an emotional outbreak, or they would stop treating him like an adult because of how he spoke.

 

So—scared that he might lose friends, and make more enemies then he really wants or needs—he stopped talking about most people. He stopped trying to start conversations, and if someone did start a conversation, he would either give them a simple answer or wouldn’t respond. It wasn’t just because of that, too, that he stopped talking less and less in public.

 

The media was probably the worst thing that had happened since he started to learn to talk again. They would constantly swarm him, and ask him questions he didn’t know how to respond to verbally. So he would get all flustered, and mumble an apology before he would try to escape to where ever he was heading. But the media wouldn’t leave him alone, they would follow him and pester him until he either got pissed or cried. Normally, it usually ended up in tears, and if it did then the media would make fun of him for it.

 

If he beat the shit out of anyone, he would be publically scrutinized for punching someone after they asked him a “Simple question.”

 

He had begun to realize that he would never win with these people.

 

~

 

It was the anniversary of Sopek’s death when everything got worse. It wasn’t _because_ of his death that caused things to get worse, it was the fact that when he went out in public, some people would torment him, and some people would even through stuff at him.

 

Because even in their time, homophobia still existed, and some people didn’t really agree with the whole _male pregnancy_ thing.

 

He did his best to hide it from Spock behind fake smiles and putting walls up against the bond to get keep him from feeling any of his pain. It only became noticed by everyone when he came home one day covered in dirt and tomato juice.

 

He had thought that Spock would be at work, and that no one else would be home, so he would be able to take a shower and clean the clothes before anyone noticed. Of course, no one decided to tell him that everyone was coming over because they had the day off and had nothing better to do.

 

As soon as he walked in through the front door, he had known it was a mistake. Everyone’s eyes were immediately on him, and the aura went from happy to shock to anger in three seconds. Everyone was immediately asking questions, and wondering what had happened, and who did this to him, and _why_ did they do this to him.

 

Jim didn’t have the heart to explain in front of everyone—especially Hikaru and Pavel. He brushed it off as nothing; he told them all that it was, “ _Nothing. I fell into someone and they were caring a box of tomatoes. Later I fell walking home. **Nothing** happened._”

 

No one believed him, of course, but they didn’t want to say anything else.

 

~

 

It was almost Christmas before what would be Sopek’s room had been opened. Spock—who had been patient with Jim up until this point—hadn’t wanted the door to be closed anymore. He thought it was _illogical_ to have it closed. That it was _illogical_ to not clean it and to check it for anything out of the ordinary.

 

Jim was getting tired of the word illogical, and he kept telling Spock that they couldn’t open the door to his room—not while the wounds were still fresh. He thought that he and Spock had come to an agreement—that they wouldn’t open the door until Jim was ready.

 

But, he guesses they hadn’t, because one day he came home to find the door to his room opened, and Spock rubbing his fingers against a stuffed sehlat. Jim had collapsed to his knees in the doorway, shocked that Spock had gone against his wishes and went into the room anyways. He cried in the doorway, he was in too much pain as it was already, but seeing the light green colors of Sopek’s room made it so much harder.

 

Spock was shocked that his husband was home so early, and had immediately put the sehlat down before he went over to try to console the blond. But as soon as he had put a hand on Jim, the human had screamed at him, telling him to, “Get the _fuck_ away from me!” and telling him, “You fucking bastard! You _promised_ me this room wouldn’t be opened until _I_ was ready. You _fucking bastard!_ ”

 

The next thing Spock knew, Jim was gone, he heard the front door slamming shut, and he was left alone in an empty house.

 

~

 

Jim had gone over to Leonard’s, and he wouldn’t explain what happened. So, Bones let it go, figuring it wasn’t worth trying to dig out of him because he was obviously not ready to share it.

 

And when Spock came over later in search of his mate, and Jim had immediately locked himself in the guest bedroom away from the Vulcan, Leonard knew that everything the two had strived for since their son’s death had been blasted to smithereens. Spock had tried to talk to the blue-eyed man, but he left soon after the ex-captain had screamed, “ _I fucking **hate you! I wish I had never met you**_!”

 

Leonard knew he couldn’t keep this from the others, so he called them up and informed them of what was going on. All of them basically said the same thing—to let both Spock and Jim cool down before they should try getting the two of them to work anything out.

 

~

 

“Cooling down” took a lot longer than anyone suspected—four months, to be exact. Jim had lived with Bones for four months, while Spock lived in the empty house by himself. There were many times that they would try to get the two to make up, but every time they tried to get the two to talk to each other, Jim would pointedly ignore him, and Spock wouldn’t try talking to him if the other was ignoring him. If Jim _did_ talk to Spock, it usually ended up with the two—mainly Jim—yelling at each other, and one time Spock had gotten punched in the mouth.

 

It’s almost been two years since Sopek died, and Jim spent the time locked in his room at McCoy’s. He tried to get Jim to talk to him, but all that he got was silence. He figured the only reason he got silence was due to the fact that it was the day his son had died, and Jim just needed time to be alone.

 

So he gave it to him.

 

He never expected Spock to rush into his house at half past nine, and run upstairs to Jim’s room.

 

He never expected to find Jim dead on the floor of the bathroom in the guest room, either.

 

~

 

Jim had written Spock a letter before he died. Spock had read it through once, before he neatly folded it and put it in his pocket, before leaving the house as quietly as he came.

 

Leonard knew what the letter said—he had read it several times before he had given it to the Vulcan, not because he wanted to shove his nose in their business, but because he wanted to know if he should give it to him now, or later.

 

He needed to know if this letter could hurt the man even more mentally. Leonard closed his eyes, because he could remember all the words to the letter as clear as day . . . .

 

_Dear Spock,_

_I know living with me these last two years has not been easy. Especially not when I was a non-speaking, emotionless blob. Or when I was emotional about everything. But, even after all those times I threw fits and yelled at you, you stayed._

_To be honest, I can’t believe you stayed. I don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t stayed._

_I probably would have been dead a lot quicker . . . ._

_I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love you. I love you so damn much, Spock, I could never describe to you how much I fucking **love** you. I know what I’m about to do doesn’t show it, but god damn it Spock, don’t let my actions take away anything from the fact that **I love you so god damn much.**_

_I can’t stand to be away from him though, Spock. I can’t stand to think about the fact that Sopek is in the ground rotting away and I’m living. I can’t . . . I just can’t stand to think about it. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m sorry if you don’t understand, but I just . . ._

_I just don’t want him to be alone, Spock. I don’t want either of you to be alone! But I . . . I can’t partly be alive and dead. I have to chose . . . and I . . ._

_I just . . ._

_I’m sorry._

_~Jim_

~

 

Leonard had seen it coming before it even happened. He bowed his head as he sat down in front of the newly upturned dirt, and he buried his face in his hands as he tried to keep in sobs as he read the two year old headstone, and the two new ones placed on either side of it.

 

The names on them, he would never forget.


End file.
